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On The Beer

mark wood

by Mark Wood

Lesser Beer

It is a typical frosty Fryday nite in January, and the First Airborne Homebrew Division is assembled around the fire with no new business to discuss. We don’t have any business to be here at all, really, except to unwind from the work week, enjoy our own foolish company and five flavours of our finest homebrew stuffed in a snow bank.

The full moon beams down on us proudly and every star in the sky seems to poke holes in our logic, until one streaks across the sky in a giggle fit, no longer able to remain composed.

“Try my new Pale Ale,” offers Smokin’ Joe, “it’s good.”

“Of course it’s good,” replies Jimmy Two Fires, “It’s always good.”

“How do you know it’s good?” philosophizes Smokin’ Joe. “In order to know a good beer, you must have had a lesser one.”

Even though it’s late and I have many good beer behind me, I see he’s setting a trap for JTF, and through subtle slurred speech, Smokin’ Joe insinuates that he possesses superior suds. So I attempt to save JTF:

“I have had a lesser beer, my fumigating friend,” I announce. Smokin’ Joe looks surprised. “Years ago, I was in a quaint little cantina in Mexico with about 200 people in it. The most distinguishing feature was the bar, which was festooned with chain link fence and a little window for serving drinks. Upon closer inspection, I noticed all the tables were bolted to the floor. Being a sharp Newfoundlander, I surmised the tables must have been thrown with great force and regularity before all the fencing and bolting took place. So I got a beer from one of the windows and waited for the place to go up.”

“How was the beer?” inquires Jimmy Two Fires.

“Awful,” I reply. “But I still have fond memories of Mexico and my foolish visa. My favorite part is where it says ‘Sexo: hombre.’”

And this hombre knows the difference in beer.

Mark is also a regular columnist with The Independent (.ca) newspaper.